He's Just Not That Into You
This post has absolutely nothing to do with the newly released movie under the same title. It is just a reminder that I should go watch it before it disappears from the big screen cos the reviews look really interesting. However, the theme is not too far off the mark.
Lemme ask you - what is the first thing that one does when an electric appliance goes berserk? If you said "I'd call my husband/boyfriend/electrician" then this post is not for you. Ideally, I was expecting "I'd go through the Instruction Manual first". Well, I found out that this is really no different from real life relationships. When a relationship is on the rocks one normally runs to family and friends, and as a last resort a marriage counsellor. Very FEW choose to read a book as a solution, maybe because we rarely expect that the problem could be with US. It's always the other person who rocked the boat. I find I'm using way too many cliches here but humour me please.
On 10 December 2008, I bought myself a bookstore version (that's right, no more pirated-roadside-ink smudged versions for me) of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. I first heard of this book in 1998 when a classmate won it as a book prize for academic excellence and he told me then that I MUST read it. But being an 18-year-old I opted for Mills & Boon and Danielle Steele - the kind of books my Dad said made young girls stupid. Of course, I don't agree with him but that is a post for another day.
I have had plenty of crushes but had never truly known men in ways that can drive one insane. Years went by slowly after high school when suddenly, True Love makes an appearance in my life. And along with him all the mystery, aura, apprehension, suspense, thrill, confusion and drama that are the elements of a young romance. I had had guys has good friends ALL my life so I just ASSUMED that if I ever got into a relationship, no one could handle it better than I. I was the one other girlfriends came to for advice with tears in their eyes - babbling in confusion, claiming their men had changed, lost interest, refused to commit, etc. and I was there to offer pearls of wisdom like an enlightened sage. When it was MY turn however, I went through EXACTLY the same thing. And after 5 years of drama and various misunderstandings (revealed on hindsight) the poor guy still wanted to marry me. Now a month into our married life, I find myself often going to this wonderful book and flipping through the pages. I have never yet read it from cover to cover because I find it a tad dragging. Because it REALLY is written in Instruction Manual style, with a sprinkling of real life stories. But on a warm afternoon, when you're feeling pensive, sipping on a cuppa tea - take this book and open on a random page - you'll see your spouse in a new light altogether. The missing pieces of the puzzle fall into place. And it's no mere novel that can be mastered in one reading. You'll find yourself going through it over and over again - like a reference book so to speak (which is why it is important to buy an original)! The book begins with a narration of an incident in the author's own life - a misunderstanding that any couple can relate to. I can't help but wonder how many marriages could have been saved if everyone had their own copy.
Some of my favourite excerpts from the book:
" The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking."
"It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure."
"Once on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she laughed and said, 'Oh my goodness, John, you have such adventures. What are you going to do?'
I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish Consulate, and the problem was solved. She was so co-operative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem."
And my MOST favourite :O) :
"Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing."
Lemme ask you - what is the first thing that one does when an electric appliance goes berserk? If you said "I'd call my husband/boyfriend/electrician" then this post is not for you. Ideally, I was expecting "I'd go through the Instruction Manual first". Well, I found out that this is really no different from real life relationships. When a relationship is on the rocks one normally runs to family and friends, and as a last resort a marriage counsellor. Very FEW choose to read a book as a solution, maybe because we rarely expect that the problem could be with US. It's always the other person who rocked the boat. I find I'm using way too many cliches here but humour me please.
On 10 December 2008, I bought myself a bookstore version (that's right, no more pirated-roadside-ink smudged versions for me) of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. I first heard of this book in 1998 when a classmate won it as a book prize for academic excellence and he told me then that I MUST read it. But being an 18-year-old I opted for Mills & Boon and Danielle Steele - the kind of books my Dad said made young girls stupid. Of course, I don't agree with him but that is a post for another day.
I have had plenty of crushes but had never truly known men in ways that can drive one insane. Years went by slowly after high school when suddenly, True Love makes an appearance in my life. And along with him all the mystery, aura, apprehension, suspense, thrill, confusion and drama that are the elements of a young romance. I had had guys has good friends ALL my life so I just ASSUMED that if I ever got into a relationship, no one could handle it better than I. I was the one other girlfriends came to for advice with tears in their eyes - babbling in confusion, claiming their men had changed, lost interest, refused to commit, etc. and I was there to offer pearls of wisdom like an enlightened sage. When it was MY turn however, I went through EXACTLY the same thing. And after 5 years of drama and various misunderstandings (revealed on hindsight) the poor guy still wanted to marry me. Now a month into our married life, I find myself often going to this wonderful book and flipping through the pages. I have never yet read it from cover to cover because I find it a tad dragging. Because it REALLY is written in Instruction Manual style, with a sprinkling of real life stories. But on a warm afternoon, when you're feeling pensive, sipping on a cuppa tea - take this book and open on a random page - you'll see your spouse in a new light altogether. The missing pieces of the puzzle fall into place. And it's no mere novel that can be mastered in one reading. You'll find yourself going through it over and over again - like a reference book so to speak (which is why it is important to buy an original)! The book begins with a narration of an incident in the author's own life - a misunderstanding that any couple can relate to. I can't help but wonder how many marriages could have been saved if everyone had their own copy.
Some of my favourite excerpts from the book:
" The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking."
"It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure."
"Once on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she laughed and said, 'Oh my goodness, John, you have such adventures. What are you going to do?'
I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish Consulate, and the problem was solved. She was so co-operative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem."
And my MOST favourite :O) :
"Most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing."
I read this book 10 years back and found it very interestin, the biggest truth i found thru this book is...when men hav a problem they go in a corner, and dont want to share it, leave them along for a while
ReplyDeletewhereas when women have a problem they want to share it to everybody.
women just want to share their troubles to men and want him to listen quietly whereas men start giving the solutions:)
I have many more like this:)...good book.
absolutely! my fav book ever (not that i've read many) u wud see this book mentioned in my blog in more than 2 3 posts for sure...
ReplyDeletehey there is also an online version of it for book-challenged ppl like me... u can jus do a google in times of need :P
but seriously, wonderful book MUST be read by every man and woman in a relationship... but i feel gettin a man to read it is almost close to impossible..
I think that getting BOTH parties to read his book is where it fails to launch and perhaps John Gray has better luck at his seminars. Men never accept that they may need help so they refuse to acknowledge its need.
ReplyDeleteahhh I have been hearing so much about this book for years, but never got a chnace to read it and nver took the pain to find it too.... LOL ya sure that it will help a lot of us out... :P
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the book yet, though Swarna once suggested it. Will check it for sure.
ReplyDeleteThough I never experienced the beauty and bitterness of a relation, I could observe the same in many. I guess the good thing is to be simple and natural to the causes and reasons. And nothing in the world works as good as good communication.
Arun
The book of wisdom eh? i read most of it when i got lost, as in i was reading the online version of it and THAT was pirated too :( i couldnt complete the book but i've come across the excerpts you had pointed out... i liked the passport thingy as well... wonder if i would react that way... teehee!! that's a different story! the more i think of this book, the more i feel i need to read it properly and APPLY it in real life, at least wherever it makes sense to me! good one :)
ReplyDeleteblindwreck
Well I certainly wouldn't have laughed if my husband left behind his passport (well the OLD me anyway...tee hee)! In fact, I would have gone on and on about it, panicked, and when everything gets resolved, use it as an anecdote to irritate whenever he packs to go any where...and I thought I was the only woman in the world like that. I guess J.G. used this example to tell me I am not alone in this...and it motivates me to try harder...
ReplyDeleteTry harder at our relationship I mean...not try harder to irritate him...I don't even have to try...it comes naturally :O)
ReplyDeleteLike Enigma I've hrd of this book time & again & have been meaning to read it for sometime:-P.
ReplyDeleteNow tht I knw it is there online will surely check it out....but there's no fun reading a book online:-S
Interesting to note tht u are taking pains to study ur man .....aaaaahhh the newly wedded bride:-D. Dont mistake me...i'd done the same..... now if only I got my hands on tht book;-D
LOL yes I am trying...cos in all honesty I am the more difficult spouse of the two of us.
ReplyDeleteI know not all women are the same - we each have the our own identity. However, in this book we all seemed to be classified as ONE when it comes to dealing with men (and vice versa for men). SO, I guess this is more of an effort to learn more about (another) me - the one with a better half :O)
I came here yesterday to tell u......u are tagged but got distracted:-P
ReplyDeleteYou have ben tagged for the picture tag, I just forgot to inform you:(.You may take it up as and when u like:)
ReplyDelete