Like Salt on an Open Wound

It feels like only yesterday when I blogged about how thrilled I was to be back in the work force. As my career luck would have it, it looks like I'm going back to those sleepless nights again. I knew about it a month ago but am only finding the courage to write about it now. There's no way I can take this kind of frustration out on my family any more. I guess I have just accepted (almost) that I'm not meant to have a dream career. My company is having financial difficulties, and a relocation to Cape Town - a few non-performers were squeezed out with pay cuts, the rest were asked nicely to leave (I was the only one who was asked to stay on, without pay, till I get another job because I couldn't relocate). Being year-end, I'm not holding my breath for a call from potential employers though I have put my CV "out there". The focus now is to cook more decent meals than quick-fixes (my husband seems to enjoy my food so I am truly blessed in this regard), to exercise more - not because I need to fit into some nice clothes, but for the endorphins - I feel I'm gonna need them, to read more books - I kid you not, there isn't a single good book I can say I've read in a really long time. I felt terribly guilty to enjoy any book or movie sitting at home while my child was at school. This point in my life is quite terrifying - to not be able to contribute financially to his future makes me feel like a failure. The least I can do is be a less whiny version of myself and be a good support system for my husband and son. All the dreams of buying a second car or a house have come to a screeching halt - if it was meant to happen, it would. 

More than anything, I feel this will put a strain on my relationship with my parents - for them, all the years of hard work to educate me is gone down the drain, just by me being at home and not working. It does not matter whether or not I'm happy. They are convinced that if I "seem" happy, it must be a show, for surely one cannot be happy sitting "idle" at home? That was not how they raised me. On the one hand I cannot blame them for their disappointment, whilst on the other, the stress of having to listen to them will also take a toll on my health. For them, the greatest embarrassment is having a child who does not have a successful career, and having to explain that to their small community of "friends". I guess I have no choice but to grin and bear it. I am slowly learning that it is easier to nod my head in agreement and then continue do what I want, than arguing my point of view and not having my perspective get the respect it deserves. Our happiness lies entirely in our hands and we cannot allow someone else the power to disrupt it. Chin up, back straight, eyes forward - there's no looking back. That perpetual effort to stay positive is our only chance at sanity, at not breaking down into one colossal, emotional mess. Pinterest - here I come! (Just kidding.)