It Was Not A Good Year
I'm 3 minutes away from 2016. Just dropped by to wish you all a Happy New Year. There's so much I want to say, but I'm lacking the words to truly express what I'm feeling. Also, it being a shitty year, I'm not even sure I want to discuss it, finding it perhaps easier to move on with life as if such tragedies are commonplace. When I say "tragedy" I don't mean a "Syrian Refugee Crisis" sort of tragedy, but why should we diminish our pain by comparing it to the hardships of others? Feeling grateful for small blessings is for another shift in our mood, that point we reach in our minds where we tell ourselves we have so much MORE to live for, and it can no way replace that immediate sense of loss and anger we feel with what has occurred to us. As and when it happens, you just want to destroy everything in sight, not make peace with your fate.
Moving on: I got through this year somehow. I'd like to thank my Divinity, but even He knows how much I have distanced myself from Him this year. I'd like to thank my girlfriends, but none of them know what happened, not even the ones I'm closest to in the world. I suppose the only people I can REALLY thank are my family, with special emphasis on my children. They bore the brunt of the demon I transformed into. Looks like being an asshole is my coping mechanism. And I continue to be an asshole with the complete knowledge that I may one day lose them because of it. It's a punishment I deserve.
I have to say my crush on Nivin Pauly has also helped a lot in getting through this year. I've watched Ohm Shanthi Oshaana on repeat, and only recently watched Premam. Every movie he acts in gives me more reason to love his onscreen macho persona (but OSO has a charm of it's own). My only prayer for Nivin Pauly is that he continue to be my dream guy, keep on making the awesome movies he does, but to please not turn into an asshole husband and father that one often sees happen in the movie industry.
This year has been epic from the perspective of my own past experiences. I definitely don't want to label it as the Worst Year of my Life, just in case Fate decides to push my sadness up a notch or two, but 2015 HAS changed me, so much so that I can now pretend to be the old me and still pull it off. Deep down though I feel terribly old and tired. Sometimes the mere task of making the bed in the morning brings on the profound realisation of what Rest in Peace actually means. Life really is a war zone. Only Death brings that peace we are all in search of. Even as I type this I am reminding myself of all the wonderful things I'm grateful for. I already did a year of wallowing, anger and self-pity. Now only the anger remains and I hope to channel that into some positive outcomes for my children. I want to be a person they can count on, not be angry with for the rest of their lives. More than any thing, I truly appreciate what a blessing it is to be alive, and how easily we can let ourselves self-destruct if we have nothing to live for. I live for me, and my greatest joy are my children.
To 2015 I say: thanks for the revelations, the harsh lessons, and for finally making things clear to me. To 2016 I say: I'm far more angry than I've ever been, and this time I'll take what comes without falling to pieces. Bring it!
Moving on: I got through this year somehow. I'd like to thank my Divinity, but even He knows how much I have distanced myself from Him this year. I'd like to thank my girlfriends, but none of them know what happened, not even the ones I'm closest to in the world. I suppose the only people I can REALLY thank are my family, with special emphasis on my children. They bore the brunt of the demon I transformed into. Looks like being an asshole is my coping mechanism. And I continue to be an asshole with the complete knowledge that I may one day lose them because of it. It's a punishment I deserve.
I have to say my crush on Nivin Pauly has also helped a lot in getting through this year. I've watched Ohm Shanthi Oshaana on repeat, and only recently watched Premam. Every movie he acts in gives me more reason to love his onscreen macho persona (but OSO has a charm of it's own). My only prayer for Nivin Pauly is that he continue to be my dream guy, keep on making the awesome movies he does, but to please not turn into an asshole husband and father that one often sees happen in the movie industry.
This year has been epic from the perspective of my own past experiences. I definitely don't want to label it as the Worst Year of my Life, just in case Fate decides to push my sadness up a notch or two, but 2015 HAS changed me, so much so that I can now pretend to be the old me and still pull it off. Deep down though I feel terribly old and tired. Sometimes the mere task of making the bed in the morning brings on the profound realisation of what Rest in Peace actually means. Life really is a war zone. Only Death brings that peace we are all in search of. Even as I type this I am reminding myself of all the wonderful things I'm grateful for. I already did a year of wallowing, anger and self-pity. Now only the anger remains and I hope to channel that into some positive outcomes for my children. I want to be a person they can count on, not be angry with for the rest of their lives. More than any thing, I truly appreciate what a blessing it is to be alive, and how easily we can let ourselves self-destruct if we have nothing to live for. I live for me, and my greatest joy are my children.
To 2015 I say: thanks for the revelations, the harsh lessons, and for finally making things clear to me. To 2016 I say: I'm far more angry than I've ever been, and this time I'll take what comes without falling to pieces. Bring it!
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