Revival of the Retraction
I published the previous post three days ago, then removed it by end of day again - because, as usual, I was worried "What would people think?" (rolling eyes) This is the day and age where you can post something very innocent on your Facebook status and your 500 friends will comment on it with 500 varying interpretations. Soon, something very innocent gets more attention than it deserves and you have the whole world sitting in judgment of your life. You're even left thinking HOW people come up with the kind of daft comments that they do!
Another reason why I removed the previous post was because I truly believe that any negative feelings one has towards something one truly cherishes (in this case, my marriage) will only be further compounded by putting that down in writing (and then revealing it to the world!). Numerous posts lie in my Drafts folder for this same reason. We unleash our heavy hearts, and then hide it away quietly, hoping it'll some how get resolved by itself because we have revealed our worries to the Universe. Chaos follows.
The reason I brought the post back was because this fight with the husband was quite a revelation to me. It started off for all the millions of stupid reasons (can you believe, I don't even remember WHY?) that husbands and wives fight about. The revelation lies in my reaction to the fight. I won't tell you what I did, only that I had never behaved in such a manner before, and was quite ashamed to feel the burden lift from my heart as soon as I did. How could such a meaningless act give such RELIEF? Okay, before people misinterpret THIS as well I guess I better say I broke something (but I won't say what ;o). I never, NEVER throw or break things in a fight. I destroy my opponents with the most poisonous of words. I guess this time, I had my baby in my hands, couldn't scream n shout much but had to let out as well, it's as though I was possessed, and so I let loose on the first thing I got my hands on...something that belonged to the husband. I felt SO awful (much) afterward - but you will not BELIEVE how the weight lifted from my heart. I did not intentionally hunt for something of his to destroy - though he will never believe that. But I strongly recommend that when Big Bazaar has a sale on breakable plates - stock up ladies!!!
The previous post is back because the person who wrote ALL those things - that person is ALSO me. It's who I am. It clearly shows I'm no martyr, no angel. I'm flawed and weak and stubborn - in fact, I'm a bitch. I apologize only to my husband for it. I do my marriage no favours by hiding what I truly feel about it at any point in time. The husband and I have still not talked about the fight. Two days of not talking to each other was followed by a quiet acceptance that life must go on and the mutual false illusion that the other party was at fault. The love is there - it always will be. I still contend that two people in love should not HAVE to marry to be together - but it is the way of the world and avoids a lot of awkward questions when the kids arrive. Marriage is hard alright...hard WORK. If you don't work at the minor cracks in the foundation, you'll be too stunned to make a recovery if it falls apart.
“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Another reason why I removed the previous post was because I truly believe that any negative feelings one has towards something one truly cherishes (in this case, my marriage) will only be further compounded by putting that down in writing (and then revealing it to the world!). Numerous posts lie in my Drafts folder for this same reason. We unleash our heavy hearts, and then hide it away quietly, hoping it'll some how get resolved by itself because we have revealed our worries to the Universe. Chaos follows.
The reason I brought the post back was because this fight with the husband was quite a revelation to me. It started off for all the millions of stupid reasons (can you believe, I don't even remember WHY?) that husbands and wives fight about. The revelation lies in my reaction to the fight. I won't tell you what I did, only that I had never behaved in such a manner before, and was quite ashamed to feel the burden lift from my heart as soon as I did. How could such a meaningless act give such RELIEF? Okay, before people misinterpret THIS as well I guess I better say I broke something (but I won't say what ;o). I never, NEVER throw or break things in a fight. I destroy my opponents with the most poisonous of words. I guess this time, I had my baby in my hands, couldn't scream n shout much but had to let out as well, it's as though I was possessed, and so I let loose on the first thing I got my hands on...something that belonged to the husband. I felt SO awful (much) afterward - but you will not BELIEVE how the weight lifted from my heart. I did not intentionally hunt for something of his to destroy - though he will never believe that. But I strongly recommend that when Big Bazaar has a sale on breakable plates - stock up ladies!!!
The previous post is back because the person who wrote ALL those things - that person is ALSO me. It's who I am. It clearly shows I'm no martyr, no angel. I'm flawed and weak and stubborn - in fact, I'm a bitch. I apologize only to my husband for it. I do my marriage no favours by hiding what I truly feel about it at any point in time. The husband and I have still not talked about the fight. Two days of not talking to each other was followed by a quiet acceptance that life must go on and the mutual false illusion that the other party was at fault. The love is there - it always will be. I still contend that two people in love should not HAVE to marry to be together - but it is the way of the world and avoids a lot of awkward questions when the kids arrive. Marriage is hard alright...hard WORK. If you don't work at the minor cracks in the foundation, you'll be too stunned to make a recovery if it falls apart.
“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
you know what...i thought the same about pouring my heart out on a blog and to a large (very) extent it helped me in so many ways...probably the same way you felt when you broke something (i hope it wasnt his laptop)
ReplyDeleteI started off thinking i would never let what other people think bug me and I have stood by it no matter what. Its my blog and I get to write and say what I feel like. I am pretty sure a lot of people out there think im a bitch for writing all that i feel on my blog..no sugar coating, bitched about the husband when im seriously pissed and it is so therapeutic 2 me when ive let it out you know..
so don worry babes its ok to let go once in a while and as long as it isnt anything valuable that you have broken (like if i threw roshans dell streak im sure id be divorced) then just move on.
Oh you don have 2 publish this comment if u don want 2 ok :)
Babe I loved the posts....if I say anything it will be too much and all in ur favour;-D
ReplyDeleteLoved the honesty in this post.
ReplyDeleteEvery married person can relate to this post I'm sure ;-)
Cheers
preeti